February 19, 2025 by
Do you wake up each morning wondering what kind of conflict you’re going to face with your aging parent today? If every day seems fraught with conversations that leave you feeling frustrated, maybe it’s time to try something new! Help both of you break out of the rut you’re stuck in with these expert communication tips and end disagreements with an aging parent.
- Start with empathy: Before diving into the “what” of the disagreement, try to understand the “why” behind it. Are they feeling scared, embarrassed, or overwhelmed? For instance, declining physical abilities or needing help can feel like a loss of independence. Starting with empathy (“I know this must feel frustrating for you”) can soften their defenses and show you’re on their side, not against them.
- Pick the right moment: Timing matters. Instead of springing a sensitive topic on them during a stressful or busy moment, choose a time when both of you are calm and unhurried. A quiet afternoon over coffee or a relaxed evening can set the tone for a more constructive discussion.
- Use “we” instead of “you”: Statements that begin with “You need to…” or “You should…” can feel accusatory, even if your intentions are good. Instead, use inclusive language that emphasizes teamwork. Saying, “We can figure this out together,” or “Let’s find a way to make things easier for both of us,” can make the conversation feel less like an attack and more like a partnership.
- Focus on their goals: Your parent might resist your suggestions if they feel like they’re losing control over their life. Instead of framing the conversation around what you think is best, focus on what’s important to them. For example, if they love their garden but struggle to maintain it, you might say, “I know how much you enjoy gardening. Let’s find a way to keep it manageable so you can keep doing what you love.”
- Stay calm, even when it’s hard: Conversations can quickly escalate if frustration bubbles over. If your parent becomes defensive or angry, resist the urge to match their tone. Stay calm and patient, even if it means taking a pause and revisiting the conversation later. Your steady demeanor can help de-escalate tension and keep the discussion productive.
- Be ready to listen: Sometimes, what feels like stubbornness is really a plea to be heard. Ask open-ended questions like, “What’s been worrying you most lately?” or “How do you feel about this idea?” Then, really listen to their answers. Giving them space to express their thoughts and fears can make them more open to hearing yours.
- Bring in trusted voices: If the topic is particularly sensitive, consider involving someone your parent respects, like a doctor, pastor, or trusted family friend. Hearing advice from someone other than you can sometimes make it easier for them to process and accept.
- Offer choices: No one likes feeling forced into a decision. Whenever possible, present options instead of ultimatums. For example, instead of saying, “You have to get help around the house,” try, “Would you prefer someone to come a few hours a week or just for certain chores?” This approach gives them a sense of control while still addressing the issue.
- Use positive reinforcement: Even the smallest victories are worth celebrating. If they agree to try a new safety device or accept help for the first time, acknowledge their openness and thank them. Positive reinforcement can encourage more flexibility in the future.
How Home Care Can Help
A caregiver from At Home Independent Living quickly becomes a trusted companion for an older adult. This allows you to step back from caregiving responsibilities and get back to enjoying quality time with your parent. We’re pleased to serve seniors throughout Syracuse, Fayetteville, Clay, and throughout Central New York. Call us at (315) 579-HOME (4663) for a free in-home consultation, any time.