November 26, 2024 by
“Laura, it’s so good to see you!”
What a sweet greeting this would be…if you actually were Laura. Increasingly, Mom is referring to you as her sister, forgetting that you’re her daughter. Coping with dementia-related memory loss, especially as the disease starts to steal memories and someone you love no longer recognizes your face, can be extremely hard. The sadness is overwhelming, the frustration undeniable, and the questions keep piling up: Why is this happening? What do I do now?
These tips will help you respond to these moments with grace and love, keeping your connection alive in a new and different way.
Understand That It’s Not Personal
When someone you love doesn’t recognize you anymore, it’s easy to feel hurt, as if all those cherished moments between the two of you have been forgotten. But it’s important to remember: this isn’t about you. Dementia causes changes in the brain that can make it difficult, or even impossible, for them to recall the people who mean the most to them.
They haven’t forgotten you on purpose. They haven’t stopped loving you, even if they can’t recall your name or how you’re related. This is the disease talking, not the person you love. Reminding yourself that it’s the dementia—not a reflection of your relationship—can help you process the painful emotions that arise in these moments.
Focus on the Feelings, Not the Facts
While the person may not remember your name, they can still feel your presence. Dementia often impacts memory, but it doesn’t take away the ability to sense emotions. Even if they don’t know that you’re their son, daughter, or spouse, they may still feel safe, comforted, and loved in your presence.
So rather than focusing on making them remember the details of your relationship, focus on creating positive feelings. Smile when you see them, hold their hand, share a comforting hug. These actions speak louder than words or names, and they can bring moments of connection even when the specifics have faded away.
Enter Their World
Dementia can create a gap between your reality and theirs, and sometimes bridging that gap means letting go of the need to bring them back to your reality. If the person thinks you are someone from their distant past, or doesn’t recognize the present moment, it can be comforting to simply enter their world rather than try to correct them.
For instance, if they think you’re an old friend from childhood, instead of reminding them of who you really are, ask questions that match their current memory. This approach can reduce confusion and anxiety for them and allows you to share a moment of joy in their present understanding.
Find New Ways to Connect
When recognition fades, it doesn’t mean the connection has to fade with it. Finding new ways to connect can help maintain your bond in a meaningful way. Consider what still brings them joy. Music is often a powerful tool. It can bring memories rushing back even when words and names are forgotten. Playing their favorite songs might bring a smile to their face and even help you share a joyful moment together.
Photos and simple activities can also help. Looking through old family pictures might not trigger detailed memories, but it can still create a sense of familiarity and comfort. Activities like brushing their hair, sharing a favorite snack, or taking a gentle walk together can create new positive moments, even if they don’t recognize you in the traditional sense.
Allow Yourself to Grieve
There’s no denying that when a loved one doesn’t recognize you, it feels like a profound loss. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or even helpless. You’re grieving a change in your relationship, and that grief is valid. Take time to acknowledge your emotions and find outlets for them, such as talking with a friend, joining a support group, or writing in a journal.
You don’t have to go through this alone. Connecting with others who understand what you’re experiencing can help you process your emotions. Knowing that you’re not the only one facing these difficult moments can make it feel a little less isolating.
Celebrate Small Moments of Joy
While the person might not remember your name, there will still be moments that are worth celebrating. A smile, a shared laugh, a gentle touch—these moments are precious, even if they seem small. Shift your focus to these fleeting moments of joy, because they are still real, and they still matter.
If your loved one seems content and calm in your presence, that’s a victory. If they smile at a favorite song or relax when you hold their hand, that’s a success. These moments remind you that while the relationship may look different now, the love you share is still there; it’s just expressed in new ways.
Explore Our Dementia Care Services
We know that forgetting names is just one of many difficult effects of dementia, and we’re here to help you through them all. Our care professionals receive specialized training in effective dementia care techniques, and we’d welcome the opportunity to help someone you love. Call us any time at (315) 579-HOME (4663) to learn more about our dementia care in Syracuse, Clay, Fayetteville, and throughout Central New York.